To my friend who lost her baby

To my friend who just lost a baby -

I don't know how it feels to lose a baby at 35 weeks, but I do know how it feels to lose a baby that you've been dreaming about, planning for, and already love with your whole heart.

There are no words to comfort you or to take away your pain. There is nothing anyone can say or do to give you back the one thing that you really want. You will always miss your baby girl. 

Unfortunately, your naiveté has been taken away. The "normalcy" of getting pregnant and having a baby will never again be normal for you. That's not okay, but that's your new normal. It's okay to grieve that loss as well as the loss of your baby. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. It's okay to not want to see other people's babies or to see other people pregnant. It's also okay if you WANT to hold babies and love on them. Grief is a process, and some days you'll feel normal....other days, it will hit you out of nowhere.

In a few months, you might feel like the world has moved on. When they do, it's okay to talk about your baby girl. It's also okay to not talk about her. If you feel like talking about her makes you feel better, do it. If you're worried about making people uncomfortable by talking about your baby, do it anyway. She will always be a part of your life, and hiding her from people will make you feel worse.

When you are ready to try for more babies, do it. You know they won't replace your baby girl. She is forever your perfect angel baby. 

Love and prayers for all of you, 

Surgery Scheduled

October 27, 2014

My D&C is scheduled, and it's even more heartbreaking than I thought it would be. I just scheduled a surgery to get rid of my babies. I know they're not with us anymore, but now I'm getting rid of them. It's the worst feeling. I'll have an ultrasound the day before the surgery to confirm everything. I know they're gone....I don't feel pregnant anymore...but I'll always regret it if we don't check one more time. As Bubby keeps saying, "Jesus can bring the babies back." I believe He can...I don't think he will...but I do believe he could, so we're going to double check. Now the countdown begins...4 more nights. Time for trying to be "normal" for my kids...to go trick or treating...to put on a happy face for the people who don't know this is one of the hardest points of my life...

Ultrasound Day!

October 16, 2014
Thursday…..the day I had been waiting for eagerly, anxiously, expectantly for 2 weeks. Our ultrasound to discover if our identical twins were mono-mono or mono-di was finally here! We had been praying constantly for mono-di twins, and had been praying with the kids for healthy babies. They were running late at the clinic, which is not normal for them, but when we finally got in to the room, we were with (one of our) favorite nurse. She started the ultrasound, and we could immediately by her expression that something was wrong…and then she turned the screen. She told us she was going to go get the dr, and then told us that she wasn’t finding heartbeats…on either of the babies. The dr came in, they did the ultrasound again, and he confirmed her findings. Neither of our babies hearts were beating. Both babies were measuring on schedule… 8 1/2 weeks, but neither one of them had a beating heart.

I am believing that it was a God thing that our clinic was running late that day. I think that the babies hearts stopped beating while we were waiting. If we hadn’t had to wait, we may have witnessed their hearts stop beating and not been able to do anything about it, or we may have seen 2 perfectly healthy little babies and found out at the next appointment. 

Telling our kids that the babies weren’t going to be born was so hard…for us. The kids took it really well…asking a million questions, “Why are you sad? The babies are in heaven with Jesus. We’ll see them again.” <3 and “Why did the babies die?” and “Jesus can bring both babies back to us.” <3 My little sweet tender hearted kids have a better understanding of this than most adults, including me. I don’t think Jesus WILL bring both babies back to us (right now), but YES, he can!

Now…we just wait, and I think that might be worse than hearing the news. Still thinking that maybe, just maybe, the babies are okay….and then thinking that every pain could be the start of physically losing them… I’m still wanting to wake up and realize this whole thing is a dream.