tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60027043077132544082024-02-19T08:29:12.739-08:00Life...but not as I plannedThis blog is full of random thoughts, with more questions than answers....mostly about life, miscarriage, pregnancy, fertility, anger, friendships, and my own relationship with God. I originally started writing this when I was pregnant with babies 4&5. It started at the encouragement of a friend because we knew there would be tons of craziness and funny stories. Life changed drastically and left me with tons of unanswered and some unasked questions.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-25594687840264399702017-07-10T07:40:00.001-07:002017-07-10T07:40:18.975-07:00Present Over PerfectI've had the book Present Over Perfect on my booklist for a little while. I had heard good things about it, but I don't enjoy reading non-fiction/self-improvement books. I read them for a little bit, but usually I'm too tired to read much and just can't get into it. I really did enjoy this one, though! It was still a slower read than a fictional story, but it was great! Parts of the book really hit me, in both good and bad ways!! Here's a few of the things that the author threw out that really made me go, "Whoa!"<br />
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**"Who told me keeping everything organized would bring me happiness?"<br />
No one told me that, but it's definitely been instilled in me. "My Dutch roots might have something to do with it, and my Midwest upbringing." (OUCH! Was she talking about me there??) Does keeping everything organized bring me happiness - honestly, a little bit, but how long does it stay that way? Is that my primary focus of my life or is being THERE and building relationships with my husband, my kids, my friends....my primary focus? I need to focus more on what MATTERS...and maybe organize on the side. :)<br />
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**"I know that activity--any activity---keeps me from feeling, so that becomes a drug."<br />
Again, ouch! Was she talking about me? In the past, I have literally looked at my calendar and been thrilled that I had something every single night, because that meant I was busy, and I was "loved" and "wanted." Since having kids, I appreciate my/our calendar not being crammed full, but I still fill our days with activities. Sometimes those activities are just household chores/organization, but still activity. Sometimes I fill my nights with playing games on my computer or my phone and am unwilling to just be still. I need to keep focusing on letting myself just be and allowing myself to feel and fully love.<br />
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This was just one page of my folded down pages of the book. I'm going to be going back to my folded down pages, and processing more of the things I took away from this amazing book.<br />
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https://www.shaunaniequist.com/books/Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-34758019138843480172017-05-08T07:57:00.002-07:002017-05-08T07:57:33.722-07:00Mother's Day LOVEMother's Day....such a wonderful idea for a day to celebrate moms. A day that was designed to be full of joy and celebration. And for me, I have an amazing husband, that does his absolute best every year to make Mother's Day special. He works extra hard to make it special because he knows how miserable Mother's Day was before kids....when I wanted to have kids, but we just weren't quite ready to start our family (not miserable then, but not joyful yet); when I wanted to have kids and it just wasn't happening yet; when we realized that we were struggling to have kids; when we had to go through fertility treatments to get pregnant. To sum it up....when I didn't want to leave my house on Mother's Day, because I would see all the other moms and know I wasn't one yet...and when I didn't want to go to church, because out of the goodness of their hearts, I would be handed a "Mother's Day" gift/flower because I was a woman, and I would fight bursting into tears and instead, try to laugh through my pain.<br />
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Honestly, my heart still breaks a little bit on Mother's Day.<br />
My heart hurts for the women who want so desperately to be a mom.<br />
My heart hurts for the women going through fertility treatments.<br />
My heart hurts for the husbands who are wanting to protect their wives.<br />
My heart hurts for the women who have one child, but desperately want more.<br />
My heart hurts for the moms who have lost babies or children.<br />
My heart hurts for the moms whose children have turned away.<br />
My heart hurts for the people who have lost their moms.<br />
My heart hurts for the people who didn't have good moms.<br />
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And my heart hurts for the moms who have expectations or dreams of an amazingly perfect Mother's Day, and their expectations are not the reality.<br />
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I'm thankful for Mother's Day, and for the ability to celebrate my mom and to celebrate being a mom. I was blessed with an amazing mom and great kids..and 2 precious angel babies. I'm so thankful for those beautiful gifts.<br />
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This year, I'm determined to celebrate with my kids, find all the joy in the day, and spread love to those who are hurting....because that's what being a mom is about....LOVE.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-16122936162226043772017-03-18T13:39:00.003-07:002017-03-18T13:41:29.161-07:00To my friend who lost her babyTo my friend who just lost a baby -<br />
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I don't know how it feels to lose a baby at 35 weeks, but I do know how it feels to lose a baby that you've been dreaming about, planning for, and already love with your whole heart.<br />
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There are no words to comfort you or to take away your pain. There is nothing anyone can say or do to give you back the one thing that you really want. You will always miss your baby girl. </div>
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Unfortunately, your naiveté has been taken away. The "normalcy" of getting pregnant and having a baby will never again be normal for you. That's not okay, but that's your new normal. It's okay to grieve that loss as well as the loss of your baby. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. It's okay to not want to see other people's babies or to see other people pregnant. It's also okay if you WANT to hold babies and love on them. Grief is a process, and some days you'll feel normal....other days, it will hit you out of nowhere.</div>
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In a few months, you might feel like the world has moved on. When they do, it's okay to talk about your baby girl. It's also okay to not talk about her. If you feel like talking about her makes you feel better, do it. If you're worried about making people uncomfortable by talking about your baby, do it anyway. She will always be a part of your life, and hiding her from people will make you feel worse.</div>
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When you are ready to try for more babies, do it. You know they won't replace your baby girl. She is forever your perfect angel baby. </div>
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Love and prayers for all of you, </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-8879894195241853802017-03-10T07:06:00.001-08:002017-03-10T07:06:41.921-08:00WorshipWe had worship practice tonight, and it was amazing! I haven't been able to sing in our worship team lately, and I forgot how amazing that time is. During worship practice tonight, my headache was gone and all of the stress from the week was no longer on my mind. I was able to focus on the music, the fun of harmonizing, and just being able to worship God and focus on Him, friendship, and beautiful things. When I'm on the worship team, my mind seems to lift of the other distractions and I'm able to just focus on praising God and crying out to Him. Finding time in my daily life to just WORSHIP and sing needs to become a priority for me, because that is the time I truly focus on what God is doing in my life.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-64803617338067337492017-02-27T08:29:00.002-08:002017-02-27T10:46:01.491-08:00Prayer Wall<style type="text/css">p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 11.0px Helvetica} span.s1 {letter-spacing: 0.0px} </style> <br />
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<span class="s1">I'm not crafty and creative like a lot of my friends, but I am so excited to finally have my prayer wall finished. After seeing the movie, The War Room, (and to be honest, looking at Pinterest) having a prayer wall is something I have dreamed about putting in my house! :) We finally finished it yesterday. I envision the kids putting their own prayer requests on the wall and using it as a family for both family prayer time and personal prayer times. I want this to help us all to see how God is answering prayers in our lives, both big and small. I'm also hoping this will help my children to be open about their own prayer requests for themselves and their friends and to remember to turn to God in their joy, pain, frustration and dreams.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-87974311475481600492017-02-07T07:49:00.003-08:002017-02-07T07:49:51.659-08:00Do Not WorryMy wonderful husband and I are getting ready to go on vacation! We are so excited, but one of our daughters is really anxious about it. Unfortunately, she doesn't get this anxiety/fear/worry/whatever you want to call it from a stranger. I emailed her this bible verse image the other day, and she has fully embraced it. We are writing it on a post it and sticking it by her bed, we are sticking it in her locker, and she wants to memorize it. I also told her that this was one of the verses I memorized before I was pregnant with the girls. I was so worried that I would not get pregnant and would not get to be a mom. I repeated this verse daily, as well as Matthew 6:25-34, as a reminder to myself that God has everything under control. I still remind myself that on a regular basis, but some days are a struggle. Some days, it seems easier to worry than pray. Some days, it's easy to let my mind get out of control and think "what if...", but God tells me not to worry and instead to pray. Because God tells me this, I can in turn help my daughter with this and model to her what that looks like in my own life.<br />
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Matthew 6:25-34</div>
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Do Not Worry</div>
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<span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-25.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>25</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?</span> <span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-26.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>26</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?</span> <span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-27.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>27</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life<span class="nivfootnote" style="color: #0066aa; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-style: italic; font-weight: 700; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 1px;"><sup><a href="http://biblehub.com/niv/matthew/6.htm#footnotes" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;" title="Or single cubit to your height">e</a></sup></span> ?</span></div>
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<span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-28.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>28</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.</span><span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-29.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>29</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.</span> <span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-30.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>30</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?</span> <span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-31.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>31</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’</span> <span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-32.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>32</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.</span> <span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-33.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>33</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.</span> <span class="reftext" style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/matthew/6-34.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>34</b></a></span><span class="red" style="color: red;">Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-87490538273683535862017-01-31T15:21:00.001-08:002017-02-07T07:50:08.146-08:00Feeling AbandonedI'm not sure why, but I've always had a fear of being alone - being by myself, being left, and being unwanted. I don't remember having a reason for this fear, but that's probably my biggest fear still as an adult. After we lost the babies, people didn't know how to react. It's so hard for people to know what to say and do after a death of anyone. With a miscarriage, people especially don't know how to react. The grief process is different for everyone who has gone through a miscarriage. Some people grieve and seem to move on more quickly. Some people grieve the loss of their baby publicly and for a very long time. Some people think of the miscarriage as an easier way to lose a baby that probably wasn't healthy. Some people grieve more silently, but always carry the loss with them. No matter what, it's a physical loss and an emotional one.<br />
After my miscarriage, I felt alone. Friends were there for emotional and physical support in the beginning, but I tried to bounce back. I grieved the loss of my babies, somewhat publicly to the people who knew, but always trying to hide the real hurt. Always saying, "I'm okay" and "They're with Jesus and I'll get to see them someday." While I still believe that, I wasn't okay. Saying I was okay did not help me move on, and did not help me feel less abandoned. People move on with life, and they can't help when they don't know.<br />
Yesterday, our Pastor spoke about Exodus 17:12.<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: "arimo" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span class="reftext" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #aa4400; font-family: "arimo" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-weight: 700; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; text-align: justify; vertical-align: text-top;">12</span><span class="highl" style="background-color: #fff4ec; color: #001320; font-family: "arimo" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: justify;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/3027.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="3027. yad (yawd) -- hand">But Moses' hands</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/3515.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="3515. kabed (kaw-bade') -- heavy">were heavy.</a><a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/3947.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="3947. laqach (law-kakh') -- to take">Then they took</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/68.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="68. 'eben (eh'-ben) -- a stone">a stone</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/7760.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="7760. suwm (soom) -- to put, place, set">and put</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/8478.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="8478. tachath (takh'-ath) -- underneath, below, instead of">it under</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/3427.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="3427. yashab (yaw-shab') -- to sit, remain, dwell">him, and he sat</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/175.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="175. 'Aharown (a-har-one') -- an elder brother of Moses">on it; and Aaron</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/2354.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="2354. Chuwr (khoor) -- four Israelites, also a Midianite">and Hur</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/8551.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="8551. tamak (taw-mak') -- to grasp, support, attain">supported</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/3027.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="3027. yad (yawd) -- hand">his hands,</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/259.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="259. 'echad (ekh-awd') -- one">one</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/2088.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="2088. zeh (zeh) -- this, here">on one</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/2088.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="2088. zeh (zeh) -- this, here">side</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/259.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="259. 'echad (ekh-awd') -- one">and one</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/2088.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="2088. zeh (zeh) -- this, here">on the other.</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/3027.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="3027. yad (yawd) -- hand">Thus his hands</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/530.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="530. 'emuwnah (em-oo-naw') -- firmness, steadfastness, fidelity">were steady</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/5704.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="5704. ad (ad) -- as far as, even to, up to, until, while">until</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/8121.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="8121. shemesh (sheh'-mesh) -- sun">the sun</a> <a href="http://biblehub.com/hebrew/935.htm" style="color: #008cea; text-decoration: none;" title="935. bow' (bo) -- to come in, come, go in, go">set.</a> </span> I was angry. I still felt abandoned and hurt and like I had been left alone. I felt like I have been asked to be Aaron and Hur, but had been left alone and didn't have my own Aaron and Hur. I read in a devotional this morning, that people want to be there to help--IF THEY KNOW. Ouch. People didn't know, because I didn't reach out. I realized that I DO have Aarons and Hurs in my life, and I can't take them for granted. It's way too easy to take the people that are there for you for granted and to focus on the ones who aren't. My sweet husband wisely told me (during my meltdown), "That's the devil trying to get you down. It's the devil who wants you to be angry." The devil wants me to focus on my defeat, my anger, and my pain, but God wants to help me to focus on the good and help me to be victorious in HIS name!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-37544421969444128842017-01-23T08:42:00.001-08:002017-02-07T07:50:30.114-08:00Sharing...I started writing this blog at the advice of a friend when we first found out we were pregnant with our identical twins. After we lost the babies, it became a place for me to record my thoughts and some of the details of what happened. Recently, I wrote an article for our MOPS newsletter. Soon after that, I felt God telling me that I needed to make this blog more public. The thought of putting this out for other people to see makes makes me feel almost extremely nervous and scared--scared about what others think, scared of pity, scared of being vulnerable. For some reason, I feel that God wants me to share this, so I'm putting it out there and trusting.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-89019103789571349532017-01-14T09:12:00.000-08:002017-02-07T07:50:55.506-08:00Releasing the STUFFThe morning that I my article for our MOPS newsletter went out (<a href="http://notmyplans.blogspot.com/2017/01/having-it-all-together.html">Having it All Together</a> Post), I was fairly nervous. A lot of STUFF I had been keeping inside was now going to be out there, at least for my MOPS group to read. That morning, I read my Bible on my phone. The verse of the day was Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you. That hit my heart. We were going to be discussing anger at MOPS, and my post about anger and forgiveness and love was in the newsletter. It was just a confirmation that I was supposed to share some of my story. Then I read my morning devotional, and it was all about releasing the little stuff and making sure to give it to God, and if possible, talk about it with a close friend, before it morphs into the big stuff. I was guilty of NOT doing that. If it was little, I could handle it...it was no big deal. Then the little stuff became more little stuff and more little stuff, and soon, it was more than I could handle. The little stuff had morphed into something big, something I was angry about, and something that was taking over my life. It was just another realization to me that it was time to release some of the STUFF that I had been keeping inside, and the MOPS newsletter was apparently where I was starting.<br />
Now my question is, how do I release the little stuff and talk about it, without feeling negative and whiny. I still don't know the real answer to that, but I'm thankful for my GOD who knows my deepest, and sometimes darkest thoughts that I won't even admit to myself, and still loves me; my husband who loves me through good times and bad times, who calls me out when I'm having a pity party and walks with me through it to get me out of it; and for friends who I have been able to share the STUFF with, who have cried with me, hugged me, prayed with me, and been there to have fun with me, too! It's time to learn to release ALL the stuff to God so IT doesn't control my life!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-65340428812121756122017-01-04T09:36:00.000-08:002017-02-07T07:51:20.368-08:00Having It All TogetherI like to think of myself as a happy, optimistic person, and I also really like to present a "life is all good" image of myself. I'm not sure if that mentality is because of how I grew up or if I taught it to myself, and I'm also not always sure if it's good or bad. However, 2 1/2 years ago, my world was rocked, and my "life is all good" image and positive mentality became impossible to maintain.<br />
After having our 3 kids (2 via IVF and 1 surprise!, but that's a completely different story), we decided we were ready to use our remaining embryos. After some unexpected difficulties and MONTHS of hormone treatments and crazy drugs, we were able to transfer 2 of our frozen embryos. I knew I was pregnant within a couple of days, well before the blood test. I went in for an ultrasound at around 7 weeks, and we heard the heartbeat of our baby...and then very soon found out there was another baby hiding in the same sac. We looked, and realized the second embryo hadn't taken, but the first had split and I was now pregnant with identical twins. I was shocked, a lot overwhelmed, but also excited! Fast forward two weeks, and we went in for another ultrasound. The babies had grown to around 9 weeks, but they know longer had heartbeats. Again, I was shocked, completely overwhelmed, and devastated. I had somewhat prepared myself for the thought of losing one, but I had never even considered that we could lose both, especially with no advance notice. We told the people that already knew, but I struggled with telling other people. I wanted the world to know that my babies were gone, but in order to tell people that, I had to tell them about the babies first and it was too much of a rollercoaster that I didn't want to relive. I kept telling myself that I was glad I lost them before I was too far long, but I was also a little bit angry that I lost them before I was far enough along for people to remember them...and in my mind, care about them.<br />
After two weeks of waiting to miscarry on my own, I had a D&C. I insisted that we have another ultrasound the day before, just to verify that there were no heartbeats. Thankfully, my doctors were very caring and understanding. Two weeks after the D&C, I ended up having complications and extreme blood loss (again, that's another long story.) Thankfully, I had a couple of friends/family who were able to come stay with my kids overnight so I could go to the hospital. That night, I realized that I was no longer scared of death, because I would get to meet my babies. However, I also realized that I was not ready to go, God must have more in store for me because He got me to the hospital in time, and my 3 kids here need me!<br />
In the weeks following my hospital stay, I was worn down, hormonal, and I started to become very angry. I was angry about losing the babies; I was angry about being so exhausted; I was angry about a vacation my husband, brothers, and dad took; I was angry for being trapped in a hotel room with my 3 kids and mom during this vacation; I was angry when my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant; I was angry when I got the insurance statement from my hospital stay... All of this anger came out in impatience with my children, impatience with my husband, and a lot of tears! My mom actually called my husband to talk to him because she was concerned after our hotel stay. In an attempt to try to maintain my "life is all good image" in public, I stuffed feelings down to try to stay the happy person I wanted to be and especially wanted people to see. Stuffing these feelings down resulted in more anger. Unfortunately, most of this inner anger was toward my church and towards friends. I was hurt and angry that people were there for me during the loss, but seemed to disappear and not care in the aftermath. I was upset and feeling left out. I would go to church, trying to praise God for all of my blessings, but leave angry that I no longer had my babies, angry that I wasn't feeling taken care of, and angry for being angry. I'm sure my anger came out towards people and church during that time, which only made me feel more isolated. My husband tried to help in all kinds of ways - empathy, tough love, insisting (with the help of my pastor) I go see a therapist, insisting that I focus on other relationships. All of these probably helped a little bit, but I was still holding on to the pain and not wanting to admit some of it, gradually letting some go, but never enough to fully be free. Finally, I admitted all of my anger and pain I had been holding on to my church life group. Their prayers and love helped so much. I was also able to release the pain and anger with an adult mentor who encouraged me, prayed with and for me, and gave me hope for daily struggles.<br />
With God's Grace, I am overcoming my pain from losing our babies and overcoming the anger and hurt that was in my heart. My relationships with others, while so important, is not the most important part of my life. I have learned (and am still learning daily) that my relationship with God is my most important priority. Only God is able to heal my pain. Only God is able to know what I am thinking and what I need without me asking (and sometimes without me even knowing.) The church is made up of imperfect humans, who are not mind readers, and I needed to let go of my expectations of others. (Sometimes I also need to remind myself of this with my husband and kids.)<br />
God's Grace is enough. God's Power is made PERFECT in my weakness. In all honesty, I still struggle with knowing how losing my babies is God's perfect plan, but I know he has an amazing plan for my life. I have an amazing life and a wonderful family and friends, but I don't have it all together and I never will. It's a daily battle between "looking like I have it all together" and "being real" without letting the anger take hold, but it's something that I know God will help me with, as long as I keep letting Him.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-66169497898783903442016-12-21T19:51:00.001-08:002016-12-21T19:51:40.592-08:00ChristmasChristmas is one of my absolute favorite times of year!! I love seeing the joy on my kids faces, just because it's Christmas! I love Christmas music! I love shopping! I love Christmas food! All of it! It's such a BEAUTIFUL time!<br />
As I reflect this year, I've been thinking a lot always about the babies...what they would be doing now, how much my son would probably hate being a big brother (and especially sharing the attention), how my nurturing daughter would probably love helping with everything for the babies, and how my logical daughter would probably adore the babies but be super annoyed that they would destroy her creations.<br />
Now, the pain is less; the joy is more. Still the bittersweet knowledge of knowing that we truly have 5 kids, but only 3 here. 3 to buy Christmas gifts for, 3 to fight with each other, 3 to hug and love.<br />
As I think on that I was realizing how much pain our all-knowing God experienced. God sent HIS ONLY son to be a baby-- fully knowing he would experience pain, suffering, and death. And God did that for US. God's pain was MORE so our JOY could be abundant. Christmas is that time for abundant joy.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-67756841714056718422015-10-16T08:50:00.001-07:002015-10-16T08:50:28.355-07:00Choosing JOY<br />
One year ago, I woke up nauseas (completely normal), ready for our ultrasound and to see the babies again. We had a LONG wait at the doctor's office, which is completely abnormal. When the nurse did our ultrasound, I could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong. She sadly told us, "I can't find heartbeats." I was in such shock I couldn't even cry. It never even crossed my mind that we could lose both of our babies...especially in the same instant. From the way they measured, how I was feeling, and the long wait in the waiting room, I am convinced they lost their heartbeats while I was in the waiting room. I'll never know for sure, but that has always been my gut feeling.<br />
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I will forever be thankful to our doctor's office for the way they handled our loss! And I'm so grateful to our friends and family for their support!<br />
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Today, we have decided to have a family day and to be grateful for our wonderful blessings. We'll have lunch at school with our firstborn daughters; we'll spend the day with our son; we'll write thank you notes and deliver cupcakes to the amazing staff at MidIowa Fertility; we'll have a pizza movie night with our kids; and we will rejoice for God's amazing grace and other blessings in our life.<br />
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We'll always mourn the loss of our twin babies, and I'm sure there will still be days of struggle, bitterness, and anger about the way things happened. TODAY, I choose joy. I have let bitterness and anger control me for far too long. TODAY, I choose to forgive. I choose to have JOY. I will choose daily, sometimes moment by moment to forgive, to move on, and to love.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-25820284049385604222014-11-18T08:41:00.002-08:002016-05-17T14:17:57.644-07:00Something's WrongNovember 18, 2014<br />
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<i><span style="color: red;">**Warning -- this post is fairly graphic. Do not read if you have a sensitive stomach or are uncomfortable with medical details**</span></i><br />
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Friday was a normal day. The kids and I had a playdate in the morning, a short rest time, saw puppies in the afternoon, then Daddy came home. Friday night, however, did not start normally. We were cleaning up dinner and I ran into the bathroom. I was bleeding...more than before and brighter. We called my dr, gave him some details, and at that time, he reassured me that it was probably the start of my regular period. He also told me that if I started to feel dizzy or went through a pad in an hour to (go in or call....I can't remember what he said.) I felt better about that. We decided to have family movie night, and I put my feet up and snuggled with my girls. Later we put the kids to bed and started watching some DVRed TV. Things still felt normal, and I wasn't bleeding that much. I was feeling much more confidant that it was the start of my regular period.<br />
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Around 10:30, we started saying that we should go to bed, but <i>10 Things I Hate About You </i>was on TV, and we got sucked in to watching it. I just wanted to see my favorite part (bc honestly, who doesn't want to see Heath Ledger serenade someone! So sweet!!)<span style="color: red; font-size: x-small;"> (This is where it starts to get graphic) </span>I was laughing at the movie, and I started to feel more blood flow. After about 15 minutes, I ran upstairs to check. I had definitely bled through my pad. I went to the bathroom and blood wouldn't stop flowing. I yelled for my husband. There were clots and the toilet bowl had turned completely red. I knew something wasn't right. I thought "Maybe if I just go to bed, it will stop." I changed my pad, stood up, and bled through another pad in 5 minutes. I resigned myself to sitting on the toilet, crying. My husband knew it was bad and started to call people to come and sit with our kids so we could go to the ER.<br />
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He called our Dr friend from church first, he didn't answer; he called my brother, he didn't answer; he called my sister-in-law, she didn't answer; he called our friend J. from church, my brother was with him, but they were 45 minutes away. We called our friend S, and she was there within 5 minutes. We went to Methodist West. My husband dropped me off at the door and I went to check in. While checking in, I felt another rush of blood. I told the lady at the desk, I need to use your restroom immediately. My husband was walking in at the time, and she asked my permission to ask him any questions. While he was answering questions, I texted him saying, "I can't leave the toilet." Again, the blood would not stop flowing. They were prepping a room and would get me straight from the bathroom. I also texted him that I wanted my dr, knowing that wasn't likely. I would just have the ER dr that was available.<br />
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They got me into a room and told me to strip down and put on just a gown. I protested that I didn't feel comfortable with that, and i was given an adult sized diaper to lay on. Bless my nurse for giving me that! The dr came in, asked questions for a little bit, and looked relived when I told him that I had talked to my dr earlier. The dr decided to call my dr to come check on me and do any procedures necessary. He left, and a female nurse came in the room. She took my vitals and had me stand up to do a __________(special kind of) blood pressure. I remember thinking that wasn't a good idea. I stood up, holding my diaper, but after about 20 seconds, I looked at my husband, and at the nurse and told them, "I'm going to pass out." I don't remember what happened during that time. The next thing I remember is the male nurse saying, "Mindy! Good, you're back with us!" Then I heard more commotion and the words, "She's 60/40." I was with it enough then to think, "That's not good!!" They were starting an IV...it hurt, and I complained about it. They went to put in another IV and I protested!! The male nurse told me, "I know you don't want it, but if I don't give it to you, your vital organs will shut down." I shut up after that and let them do whatever they needed to do. Later I found out my blood pressure had dropped to 40/20. They had laid me down and my husband said my feet were gray and clammy bc they lowered the head of my bed to get blood flowing back to my heart and head.<br />
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My doctor came a little bit later. He arrived before midnight. I remember looking at the clock and remember asking him if we had woken him up. (We had.) Looking back, I know we left our house at 11, and he arrived before midnight, but that was the longest hour of my life. My dr immediately went to work. I have never heard him bark orders like he was doing at the nurses. "Gauze, more gauze NOW!" and "Get her something for the pain!" He was squeezing, pressing, and "massaging" my stomach/uterus, and it HURT!! My husband said he had blood up to his elbows and was all business.<br />
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I ended up having another D&C and they had 2 bags of blood in the OR ready for a blood transfusion if necessary. Thankfully it wasn't. They wheeled me to the OR, and bc of the pain meds, I threw up (all over!!) on the way there! Seriously, God bless the nurses!! They were so sweet and reassuring.<br />
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When I woke up, I heard the nurses talking. One had lost her phone....while I was throwing up. She was going to go look in the sanitation bin (disgusting!) By then, I was with it enough to remember her phone dropping. My dr had picked it up. They called him, and he had just gotten home and realized he had the phone! (Sigh). He came back to the hospital, returned the phone, checked on me, and said he would come back in the morning.<br />
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I was admitted to a hospital room, and I was so thankful to see a bed. I told my sweet husband to go home, get some sleep, see our kids in the morning and come back and see me.<br />
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When I woke up at 6, I called for a nurse to take me to the bathroom. When I went to leave, I couldn't...even with her help. I was too dizzy and nauseaus. Thankfully, there wasn't blood! I ended up on the toilet....fully exposed, head between my knees in the trash can...for about 15-20 minutes until I finally had enough strength to get back to my bed (with my nurse's help.) They checked my blood pressure - 80/50...so while pretty good, that explained the dizziness on the toilet. :)<br />
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Thankfully, I slept a little more, my sweet, sleep deprived husband came back, had some breakfast, and my BP started climbing back up to a more normal state. After a few more naps, some lunch, and another nap, we went home. It was time to face "normal" life again. I feel like I have a second chance at the rest of my life....but for now, I'm exhausted....physically and emotionally exhausted.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-15908033665690437572014-11-01T09:52:00.000-07:002014-11-18T07:48:52.831-08:00WantsNovember 1, 2014<br />
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I love singing! It's one of my favorite, I could do it all day, activities! I love praise and worship time in church and last Sunday was no different, but last Sunday, we sang a song that really hit me. I was angry, I was bitter. One line of the song...Jesus, Jesus...we want nothing more. We want nothing less. I couldn't sing it. I wanted more. I wanted my babies. They were gone, but I wanted them.<br />
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It also leads me to this dilemma...I do want more. If everything was taken away from me, I would have my Jesus, and I love Him, but I want more in my life.<br />
I want my husband.<br />
I want my kids.<br />
I want my family.<br />
I want great friends.<br />
I want a successful business.<br />
I want to provide fun opportunities for my family.<br />
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Is this a bad thing? I don't think it's bad to want those things, but should I be wanting them? Shouldn't I only be wanting Jesus? It's a thought that kept me up last night. I think God wants us to want the best in our life, but where is the line between wanting more and wanting only Jesus?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-56013533258900143462014-11-01T08:46:00.001-07:002014-11-18T07:48:52.843-08:00It's finishedNovember 1st, 2014<br />
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The D&C was yesterday. The procedure was so much easier than I anticipated, and in the morning, I felt great! I even told my DH we should go out to dinner! By the afternoon though, I was pretty worn out, exhausted, and looked gray (according to my sweet husband). I don't think I've napped and watched as much TV as I did yesterday for at least 4 1/2 years! :)<br />
I came out of the surgery and immediately started crying when I woke up. It was finished. My babies were no longer with me. I cried because it was over, but I'm also grateful that we are wrapping up this process. I'll never forget hearing their heartbeats, I'll always remember their pictures, but they're my angel babies now...and at least they have each other. <3Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-30582099185882925052014-10-27T12:23:00.000-07:002014-11-18T07:48:52.835-08:00Back to "Normal"October 20, 2014<br />
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Hubby is back at work today, my parents are back home, 3 1/2 hours away, and life is getting back to "normal." I'm no longer feeling as nauseated, but that's just another reminder that these 2 babies are no longer living little people. "Normal" is harder than I thought it would be...I don't want to go back to the shock of Thursday, but moving on is tough.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-82923071575573949232014-10-27T07:51:00.000-07:002017-02-07T07:52:54.723-08:00Surgery ScheduledOctober 27, 2014<br />
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My D&C is scheduled, and it's even more heartbreaking than I thought it would be. I just scheduled a surgery to get rid of my babies. I know they're not with us anymore, but now I'm getting rid of them. It's the worst feeling. I'll have an ultrasound the day before the surgery to confirm everything. I know they're gone....I don't feel pregnant anymore...but I'll always regret it if we don't check one more time. As Bubby keeps saying, "Jesus can bring the babies back." I believe He can...I don't think he will...but I do believe he could, so we're going to double check. Now the countdown begins...4 more nights. Time for trying to be "normal" for my kids...to go trick or treating...to put on a happy face for the people who don't know this is one of the hardest points of my life...</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-49740671881834705492014-10-16T19:39:00.000-07:002016-12-21T19:43:31.913-08:00Ultrasound Day!<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">October 16, 2014</span><br />
<span class="s1">Thursday…..the day I had been waiting for eagerly, anxiously, expectantly for 2 weeks. Our ultrasound to discover if our identical twins were mono-mono or mono-di was finally here! We had been praying constantly for mono-di twins, and had been praying with the kids for healthy babies. They were running late at the clinic, which is not normal for them, but when we finally got in to the room, we were with (one of our) favorite nurse. She started the ultrasound, and we could immediately by her expression that something was wrong…and then she turned the screen. She told us she was going to go get the dr, and then told us that she wasn’t finding heartbeats…on either of the babies. The dr came in, they did the ultrasound again, and he confirmed her findings. Neither of our babies hearts were beating. Both babies were measuring on schedule… 8 1/2 weeks, but neither one of them had a beating heart.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I am believing that it was a God thing that our clinic was running late that day. I think that the babies hearts stopped beating while we were waiting. If we hadn’t had to wait, we may have witnessed their hearts stop beating and not been able to do anything about it, or we may have seen 2 perfectly healthy little babies and found out at the next appointment. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Telling our kids that the babies weren’t going to be born was so hard…for us. The kids took it really well…asking a million questions, “Why are you sad? The babies are in heaven with Jesus. We’ll see them again.” <3 and “Why did the babies die?” and “Jesus can bring both babies back to us.” <3 My little sweet tender hearted kids have a better understanding of this than most adults, including me. I don’t think Jesus WILL bring both babies back to us (right now), but YES, he can!</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Now…we just wait, and I think that might be worse than hearing the news. Still thinking that maybe, just maybe, the babies are okay….and then thinking that every pain could be the start of physically losing them… I’m still wanting to wake up and realize this whole thing is a dream.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-32237939407745819362014-10-04T08:50:00.000-07:002016-05-17T14:20:57.590-07:00Frozen Transfer<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I started taking medicine Easter Sunday…it made me a CRAZY person. I was on estrogen patches that were adding extra hormones to my body. I was a crabby mom, a crabby wife, and really unsure of what I was doing. We went to the dr to check on everything, and my uterine lining was not thick enough! We had to wait another week….and then another week….and then another week - my lining wasn’t thick enough to transfer embryos. We changed medicine plans and tried again….it still wasn’t thick enough. We then attempted a crazy combination of medicine (including Viagra…for me!) and THREE estrogen patches! It was a crazy, emotional time. From Easter (April) until August, I was on multiple hormones and dealing with the stress of adding more to our family and trying to hold it together as a mom to our kids. I told husband that if this time didn’t work, I needed a break. </span><br />
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<span class="s1">We went in for a lining check and it was (JUST BARELY) thick enough! I asked my dr if we could transfer all 3 of the remaining embryos bc I didn’t want to do this again. His response was “if anyone would end up with triplets it would be you. I would trust you to raise them, but I don’t want the complicated pregnancy for you.” I agreed, but still wanted to just be done.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We went in for the transfer and found out 2 embryos were thawed - one looked really healthy and the other one looked just okay. My Dr was fairly certain that only one would take. All 3 of us (DH, Dr., and I) were all okay with that. I had my set of twins, and I was PERFECTLY happy with ONE baby at a time! :) I was a little irritated that we couldn’t just transfer the 3rd embryo so that I could be done, but it was too late. There wasn’t time to thaw the 3rd one.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6002704307713254408.post-86976423450862997402014-10-01T08:52:00.000-07:002014-11-18T08:47:00.721-08:00My Plan for Babies<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">October 2, 2014<br />Every little girl plans out her life exactly as she thinks it should go, and I was no different. I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t know what exactly what else, but I knew I wanted to be a mom. Married by 23, start having babies by 25, and raising my kids by 30. That was MY plan…it sounded practically perfect.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I met my husband in college (go Cyclones). I was 20, he was 18 (ALMOST 19). We started dating and we immediately knew this was it. We were married when I was 23 (he was 22), so far, my plan was working. :) We talked about kids before we got married (he wanted 2 and I wanted 4-5 (3 of “My own” and then adopt 2 later), and I was willing to compromise my plans a little. He wanted to go to law school, and didn’t want to have kids during law school. I was willing to wait to have babies—-I really wanted to stay home with my kids, and that wasn’t an option while he was in law school. I had my “dream” job, teaching preschool special education. It was wonderful, and I felt like all of my students were “my” kids.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">After DH finished law school, we bought our first home, and decided it was time to start trying to have a baby. It was great! I was finally going to be a mom! Months passed and I still wasn’t pregnant. I started questioning if this was going to work for us. After about 6 months, I went to an OBGYN and shared my heartache. He was unsympathetic and told me that it hadn’t been very long and to not worry about it. I KNEW there was a problem though. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I would check Facebook and see tons of my friends sharing their exciting pregnancy news —I would end up screaming and crying at Facebook, jealous of their happiness. I would hear student’s parents share their news about being newly pregnant, and I would judge their parenting ability and question God—-WHY THEM and not ME?? Other teachers would announce pregnancies, and I would put on my happy face, tell them congratulations, and go home and cry! I spent Sunday afternoons, curling up in my bed, crying, questioning God, and wondering WHY I still wasn’t pregnant. All I wanted was to be a mom, and it wasn’t happening for us!</span></div>
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<span class="s1">A little over a year after we started trying, my husband convinced me that we should go to a Fertility Clinic. I resisted….i didn’t want to hear for sure that there was a problem….I didn’t want to hear their solutions….I just wanted God to fix it EASILY! After some convincing, I agreed. Our appointment was on St. Patrick’s Day. We parked, said a prayer and walked into the clinic. I sat down…right across from one of my MK customers. Ugh. That was awkward! You’re not supposed to run into people you KNOW at a FERTILITY clinic!!! We met with the Dr. - he was wonderful! He explained EVERYTHING in basic terms and started testing THAT day! That was overwhelming! In a little over a week, we had our results. We did have fertility issues….and with the issues that were found, our solution was to do IVF. We cried, I begged, I pleaded, and I prayed…harder than I had ever prayed before! I didn’t want to conceive our children using NEEDLES!! I was deathly afraid of needles!! I couldn’t do this….but I did.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We went through one round of IVF, and thanks to God (bc I told God, my husband, and my mom that if this didn’t work, I COULDN’T emotionally, physically, or mentally go through another round), I was pregnant! AND we had 3 extra embryos for possible future siblings!! My numbers were high enough our Dr. told us “There could be a pair in there.” Our 7 week ultrasound showed we were pregnant with fraternal twins!! We were thrilled. Before IVF, I had never wanted twins…I wanted to raise my babies one at a time, but after putting 2 embryos in, I wanted 2 babies!!! Our 9 week ultrasound also showed us 2 healthy babies! We had a “healthy” twin pregnancy…some restricted activity from 21 weeks on (i.e. rolling around my classroom in an office chair) and put on home bed rest at 32 weeks, but our girls were born at 36 weeks and 2 days. After a SHORT (18 hour) NICU visit, they came home with us! They were the reward for all of the pain, and they were my joy! The sleepless nights were tough, trying to convince them to get on the same schedule was tough, but I LOVED being a mom!!!</span></div>
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<span class="s1">When the girls were 13 months old, I stopped nursing….all 3 of us were ready, and it was wonderful to be done. The next month, I felt like I was pregnant. My husband kept insisting, “It’s not possible.” After a pregnancy test AND an appointment with my family dr…where I insisted she take my blood to PROVE that I was pregnant (she refused and told me it was for sure), we believed that we were really pregnant. We had already made an appointment to talk to our fertility Dr. about transferring other embryos…and we kept our appointment so we could tell him our news! He was thrilled…and he did take my blood and do an ultrasound to confirm! Our surprise miracle baby was healthy! At 35 weeks, he decided he was ready to be born and broke my water. It was a complete shock to have our singleton born earlier than our twins, but he was fairly healthy. After a weeklong NICU stay, due to some breathing issues, our miracle baby was ready to come home with us.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">When my miracle baby was 2 1/2, my husband and I decided it was time to try our other embryos. Truthfully, I wasn’t completely ready. My MK business was doing well, and I wasn’t ready to put my life on hold to have more babies…but I knew there wasn’t a “perfect” time. Neither DH nor I were willing to destroy the embryos and neither one of us could donate them. I am in awe of people that can donate their embryos…it’s a generous and selfless decision, but we could not do it. So, after some convincing, we decided that there would never be a “right” time to add to the craziness of our family, so we should start.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">After a long frozen transfer process, I went in for my pregnancy blood test, the nurse called to tell us we were pregnant! We asked her if she could tell from the numbers if it was one or two. She said our numbers were right in the middle, so it could go either way. Although it wasn’t as exciting as 4 1/2 years ago, we were still thrilled and excited! As much as I wasn’t sure if I wanted to start all over, I was already protective of this little baby. One night, while we were putting our kids to bed, one of my kids sat on my stomach…pretty hard! I didn’t think too much about it, but I woke up in the middle of the night and the next morning I was having some cramping. I was sure I had lost the baby, and I was devastated! I called the dr, and they said I could come in right away (but I didn’t have a place for my 3 other kids to go), or I could get in the next morning. I hadn’t had any spotting or bleeding, so I waited until the next day. Thursday morning, I went in…feeling much more confidant but just needing to know for sure if my baby was okay. I saw my Dr. from the waiting room and he looked at me and crossed his fingers. We were called back for our ultrasound with a nurse. We heard the beautiful sound of a baby heartbeat. It was strong and healthy. Our baby was okay! :) After that relief, we needed to confirm, “There’s just one in there, right?” She continued to do the scan…showing us empty space, and saying, “Yep it looks like there’s just….” she stopped when she scanned back the other way… “Oh wait, there’s another one hiding in the same sac.” Only one of our embryos had taken, but it had split!!!! WHAT?!?! We were pregnant with IDENTICAL twins!! This was clearly a God thing! We were excited, scared, overwhelmed…..were they both going to be okay? Were they mono-mono twins—DH's step sister had JUST lost one of their mono-mono twins! Our dr came in, and he didn’t have many answers for us yet. He congratulated us, and in his usual cautious optimism, told us not to tell too many people because it was still early. We would have an appointment in 2 weeks and find out more info about our new twins.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">As of now, we have 3 pregnancies that have been totally different - none of my children came how I would have planned….but God has plans that have and continue to exceed my own. 6 years ago, I was worried I would never be a mom…now my concerns are how to have enough time/money/energy for all of our children. It’s a problem I didn’t dream I would have, but I’m thrilled to be blessed with more than I know what to do with.</span></div>
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