Friday, October 16, 2015

Choosing JOY

One year ago, I woke up nauseas (completely normal), ready for our ultrasound and to see the babies again. We had a LONG wait at the doctor's office, which is completely abnormal. When the nurse did our ultrasound, I could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong. She sadly told us, "I can't find heartbeats." I was in such shock I couldn't even cry. It never even crossed my mind that we could lose both of our babies...especially in the same instant. From the way they measured, how I was feeling, and the long wait in the waiting room, I am convinced they lost their heartbeats while I was in the waiting room. I'll never know for sure, but that has always been my gut feeling.

I will forever be thankful to our doctor's office for the way they handled our loss! And I'm so grateful to our friends and family for their support!

Today, we have decided to have a family day and to be grateful for our wonderful blessings. We'll have lunch at school with our firstborn daughters; we'll spend the day with our son; we'll write thank you notes and deliver cupcakes to the amazing staff at MidIowa Fertility; we'll have a pizza movie night with our kids; and we will rejoice for God's amazing grace and other blessings in our life.

We'll always mourn the loss of our twin babies, and I'm sure there will still be days of struggle, bitterness, and anger about the way things happened. TODAY, I choose joy. I have let bitterness and anger control me for far too long. TODAY, I choose to forgive. I choose to have JOY. I will choose daily, sometimes moment by moment to forgive, to move on, and to love.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Something's Wrong

November 18, 2014

**Warning -- this post is fairly graphic. Do not read if you have a sensitive stomach or are uncomfortable with medical details**

Friday was a normal day. The kids and I had a playdate in the morning, a short rest time, saw puppies in the afternoon, then Daddy came home. Friday night, however, did not start normally. We were cleaning up dinner and I ran into the bathroom. I was bleeding...more than before and brighter. We called my dr, gave him some details, and at that time, he reassured me that it was probably the start of my regular period. He also told me that if I started to feel dizzy or went through a pad in an hour to (go in or call....I can't remember what he said.) I felt better about that. We decided to have family movie night, and I put my feet up and snuggled with my girls. Later we put the kids to bed and started watching some DVRed TV. Things still felt normal, and I wasn't bleeding that much. I was feeling much more confidant that it was the start of my regular period.

Around 10:30, we started saying that we should go to bed, but 10 Things I Hate About You was on TV, and we got sucked in to watching it. I just wanted to see my favorite part (bc honestly, who doesn't want to see Heath Ledger serenade someone! So sweet!!) (This is where it starts to get graphic) I was laughing at the movie, and I started to feel more blood flow. After about 15 minutes, I ran upstairs to check. I had definitely bled through my pad. I went to the bathroom and blood wouldn't stop flowing. I yelled for my husband. There were clots and the toilet bowl had turned completely red. I knew something wasn't right. I thought "Maybe if I just go to bed, it will stop." I changed my pad, stood up, and bled through another pad in 5 minutes. I resigned myself to sitting on the toilet, crying. My husband knew it was bad and started to call people to come and sit with our kids so we could go to the ER.

He called our Dr friend from church first, he didn't answer; he called my brother, he didn't answer; he called my sister-in-law, she didn't answer; he called our friend J. from church, my brother was with him, but they were 45 minutes away. We called our friend S, and she was there within 5 minutes. We went to Methodist West. My husband dropped me off at the door and I went to check in. While checking in, I felt another rush of blood. I told the lady at the desk, I need to use your restroom immediately. My husband was walking in at the time, and she asked my permission to ask him any questions. While he was answering questions, I texted him saying, "I can't leave the toilet." Again, the blood would not stop flowing. They were prepping a room and would get me straight from the bathroom. I also texted him that I wanted my dr, knowing that wasn't likely. I would just have the ER dr that was available.

They got me into a room and told me to strip down and put on just a gown. I protested that I didn't feel comfortable with that, and i was given an adult sized diaper to lay on. Bless my nurse for giving me that! The dr came in, asked questions for a little bit, and looked relived when I told him that I had talked to my dr earlier. The dr decided to call my dr to come check on me and do any procedures necessary. He left, and a female nurse came in the room. She took my vitals and had me stand up to do a __________(special kind of) blood pressure. I remember thinking that wasn't a good idea. I stood up, holding my diaper, but after about 20 seconds, I looked at my husband, and at the nurse and told them, "I'm going to pass out." I don't remember what happened during that time. The next thing I remember is the male nurse saying, "Mindy! Good, you're back with us!" Then I heard more commotion and the words, "She's 60/40." I was with it enough then to think, "That's not good!!" They were starting an hurt, and I complained about it. They went to put in another IV and I protested!! The male nurse told me, "I know you don't want it, but if I don't give it to you, your vital organs will shut down." I shut up after that and let them do whatever they needed to do. Later I found out my blood pressure had dropped to 40/20. They had laid me down and my husband said my feet were gray and clammy bc they lowered the head of my bed to get blood flowing back to my heart and head.

My doctor came a little bit later. He arrived before midnight. I remember looking at the clock and remember asking him if we had woken him up. (We had.) Looking back, I know we left our house at 11, and he arrived before midnight, but that was the longest hour of my life. My dr immediately went to work. I have never heard him bark orders like he was doing at the nurses. "Gauze, more gauze NOW!" and "Get her something for the pain!" He was squeezing, pressing, and "massaging" my stomach/uterus, and it HURT!! My husband said he had blood up to his elbows and was all business.

I ended up having another D&C and they had 2 bags of blood in the OR ready for a blood transfusion if necessary. Thankfully it wasn't. They wheeled me to the OR, and bc of the pain meds, I threw up (all over!!) on the way there! Seriously, God bless the nurses!! They were so sweet and reassuring.

When I woke up, I heard the nurses talking. One had lost her phone....while I was throwing up. She was going to go look in the sanitation bin (disgusting!) By then, I was with it enough to remember her phone dropping. My dr had picked it up. They called him, and he had just gotten home and realized he had the phone! (Sigh). He came back to the hospital, returned the phone, checked on me, and said he would come back in the morning.

I was admitted to a hospital room, and I was so thankful to see a bed. I told my sweet husband to go home, get some sleep, see our kids in the morning and come back and see me.

When I woke up at 6, I called for a nurse to take me to the bathroom. When I went to leave, I couldn't...even with her help. I was too dizzy and nauseaus. Thankfully, there wasn't blood! I ended up on the toilet....fully exposed, head between my knees in the trash can...for about 15-20 minutes until I finally had enough strength to get back to my bed (with my nurse's help.) They checked my blood pressure - 80/ while pretty good, that explained the dizziness on the toilet. :)

Thankfully, I slept a little more, my sweet, sleep deprived husband came back, had some breakfast, and my BP started climbing back up to a more normal state. After a few more naps, some lunch, and another nap, we went home. It was time to face "normal" life again. I feel like I have a second chance at the rest of my life....but for now, I'm exhausted....physically and emotionally exhausted.

Saturday, November 1, 2014


November 1, 2014

I love singing! It's one of my favorite, I could do it all day, activities! I love praise and worship time in church and last Sunday was no different, but last Sunday, we sang a song that really hit me. I was angry, I was bitter. One line of the song...Jesus, Jesus...we want nothing more. We want nothing less. I couldn't sing it. I wanted more. I wanted my babies. They were gone, but I wanted them.

It also leads me to this dilemma...I do want more. If everything was taken away from me, I would have my Jesus, and I love Him, but I want more in my life.
I want my husband.
I want my kids.
I want my family.
I want great friends.
I want a successful business.
I want to provide fun opportunities for my family.

Is this a bad thing? I don't think it's bad to want those things, but should I be wanting them? Shouldn't I only be wanting Jesus? It's a thought that kept me up last night. I think God wants us to want the best in our life, but where is the line between wanting more and wanting only Jesus?

It's finished

November 1st, 2014

The D&C was yesterday. The procedure was so much easier than I anticipated, and in the morning, I felt great! I even told my DH we should go out to dinner! By the afternoon though, I was pretty worn out, exhausted, and looked gray (according to my sweet husband). I don't think I've napped and watched as much TV as I did yesterday for at least 4 1/2 years! :)
I came out of the surgery and immediately started crying when I woke up. It was finished. My babies were no longer with me. I cried because it was over, but I'm also grateful that we are wrapping up this process. I'll never forget hearing their heartbeats, I'll always remember their pictures, but they're my angel babies now...and at least they have each other. <3

Monday, October 27, 2014

Surgery Scheduled

October 27, 2014

My D&C is scheduled, and it's even more heartbreaking than I thought it would be. I just scheduled a surgery to get rid of my babies. I know they're not with us anymore, but now I'm getting rid of them. It's the worst feeling. I'll have an ultrasound the day before the surgery to confirm everything. I know they're gone....I don't feel pregnant anymore...but I'll always regret it if we don't check one more time. As Bubby keeps saying, "Jesus can bring the babies back." I believe He can...I don't think he will...but I do believe he could, so we're going to double check. Now the countdown begins...4 more nights. Time for trying to be "normal" for my go trick or put on a happy face for the people who don't know this is one of the hardest points of my life...

Back to "Normal"

October 20, 2014

Hubby is back at work today, my parents are back home, 3 1/2 hours away, and life is getting back to "normal." I'm no longer feeling as nauseated, but that's just another reminder that these 2 babies are no longer living little people. "Normal" is harder than I thought it would be...I don't want to go back to the shock of Thursday, but moving on is tough.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Ultrasound Day!

October 16, 2014
Thursday…..the day I had been waiting for eagerly, anxiously, expectantly for 2 weeks. Our ultrasound to discover if our identical twins were mono-mono or mono-di was finally here! We had been praying constantly for mono-di twins, and had been praying with the kids for healthy babies. They were running late at the clinic, which is not normal for them, but when we finally got in to the room, we were with (one of our) favorite nurse. She started the ultrasound, and we could immediately by her expression that something was wrong…and then she turned the screen. She told us she was going to go get the dr, and then told us that she wasn’t finding heartbeats…on either of the babies. The dr came in, they did the ultrasound again, and he confirmed her findings. Neither of our babies hearts were beating. Both babies were measuring on schedule… 8 1/2 weeks, but neither one of them had a beating heart.

I am believing that it was a God thing that our clinic was running late that day. I think that the babies hearts stopped beating while we were waiting. If we hadn’t had to wait, we may have witnessed their hearts stop beating and not been able to do anything about it, or we may have seen 2 perfectly healthy little babies and found out at the next appointment. 

Telling our kids that the babies weren’t going to be born was so hard…for us. The kids took it really well…asking a million questions, “Why are you sad? The babies are in heaven with Jesus. We’ll see them again.” <3 and “Why did the babies die?” and “Jesus can bring both babies back to us.” <3 My little sweet tender hearted kids have a better understanding of this than most adults, including me. I don’t think Jesus WILL bring both babies back to us (right now), but YES, he can!

Now…we just wait, and I think that might be worse than hearing the news. Still thinking that maybe, just maybe, the babies are okay….and then thinking that every pain could be the start of physically losing them… I’m still wanting to wake up and realize this whole thing is a dream.