Present Over Perfect

I've had the book Present Over Perfect on my booklist for a little while. I had heard good things about it, but I don't enjoy reading non-fiction/self-improvement books. I read them for a little bit, but usually I'm too tired to read much and just can't get into it. I really did enjoy this one, though! It was still a slower read than a fictional story, but it was great! Parts of the book really hit me, in both good and bad ways!! Here's a few of the things that the author threw out that really made me go, "Whoa!"

**"Who told me keeping everything organized would bring me happiness?"
No one told me that, but it's definitely been instilled in me. "My Dutch roots might have something to do with it, and my Midwest upbringing." (OUCH! Was she talking about me there??) Does keeping everything organized bring me happiness - honestly, a little bit, but how long does it stay that way? Is that my primary focus of my life or is being THERE and building relationships with my husband, my kids, my friends....my primary focus? I need to focus more on what MATTERS...and maybe organize on the side. :)

**"I know that activity--any activity---keeps me from feeling, so that becomes a drug."
Again, ouch! Was she talking about me? In the past, I have literally looked at my calendar and been thrilled that I had something every single night, because that meant I was busy, and I was "loved" and "wanted." Since having kids, I appreciate my/our calendar not being crammed full, but I still fill our days with activities. Sometimes those activities are just household chores/organization, but still activity. Sometimes I fill my nights with playing games on my computer or my phone and am unwilling to just be still. I need to keep focusing on letting myself just be and allowing myself to feel and fully love.

This was just one page of my folded down pages of the book. I'm going to be going back to my folded down pages, and processing more of the things I took away from this amazing book.

https://www.shaunaniequist.com/books/

Mother's Day LOVE

Mother's Day....such a wonderful idea for a day to celebrate moms. A day that was designed to be full of joy and celebration. And for me, I have an amazing husband, that does his absolute best every year to make Mother's Day special. He works extra hard to make it special because he knows how miserable Mother's Day was before kids....when I wanted to have kids, but we just weren't quite ready to start our family (not miserable then, but not joyful yet); when I wanted to have kids and it just wasn't happening yet; when we realized that we were struggling to have kids; when we had to go through fertility treatments to get pregnant. To sum it up....when I didn't want to leave my house on Mother's Day, because I would see all the other moms and know I wasn't one yet...and when I didn't want to go to church, because out of the goodness of their hearts, I would be handed a "Mother's Day" gift/flower because I was a woman, and I would fight bursting into tears and instead, try to laugh through my pain.

Honestly, my heart still breaks a little bit on Mother's Day.
My heart hurts for the women who want so desperately to be a mom.
My heart hurts for the women going through fertility treatments.
My heart hurts for the husbands who are wanting to protect their wives.
My heart hurts for the women who have one child, but desperately want more.
My heart hurts for the moms who have lost babies or children.
My heart hurts for the moms whose children have turned away.
My heart hurts for the people who have lost their moms.
My heart hurts for the people who didn't have good moms.

And my heart hurts for the moms who have expectations or dreams of an amazingly perfect Mother's Day, and their expectations are not the reality.

I'm thankful for Mother's Day, and for the ability to celebrate my mom and to celebrate being a mom. I was blessed with an amazing mom and great kids..and 2 precious angel babies. I'm so thankful for those beautiful gifts.

This year, I'm determined to celebrate with my kids, find all the joy in the day, and spread love to those who are hurting....because that's what being a mom is about....LOVE.

To my friend who lost her baby

To my friend who just lost a baby -

I don't know how it feels to lose a baby at 35 weeks, but I do know how it feels to lose a baby that you've been dreaming about, planning for, and already love with your whole heart.

There are no words to comfort you or to take away your pain. There is nothing anyone can say or do to give you back the one thing that you really want. You will always miss your baby girl. 

Unfortunately, your naiveté has been taken away. The "normalcy" of getting pregnant and having a baby will never again be normal for you. That's not okay, but that's your new normal. It's okay to grieve that loss as well as the loss of your baby. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to cry. It's okay to not want to see other people's babies or to see other people pregnant. It's also okay if you WANT to hold babies and love on them. Grief is a process, and some days you'll feel normal....other days, it will hit you out of nowhere.

In a few months, you might feel like the world has moved on. When they do, it's okay to talk about your baby girl. It's also okay to not talk about her. If you feel like talking about her makes you feel better, do it. If you're worried about making people uncomfortable by talking about your baby, do it anyway. She will always be a part of your life, and hiding her from people will make you feel worse.

When you are ready to try for more babies, do it. You know they won't replace your baby girl. She is forever your perfect angel baby. 

Love and prayers for all of you, 

Worship

We had worship practice tonight, and it was amazing! I haven't been able to sing in our worship team lately, and I forgot how amazing that time is. During worship practice tonight, my headache was gone and all of the stress from the week was no longer on my mind. I was able to focus on the music, the fun of harmonizing, and just being able to worship God and focus on Him, friendship, and beautiful things. When I'm on the worship team, my mind seems to lift of the other distractions and I'm able to just focus on praising God and crying out to Him. Finding time in my daily life to just WORSHIP and sing needs to become a priority for me, because that is the time I truly focus on what God is doing in my life.

Prayer Wall

I'm not crafty and creative like a lot of my friends, but I am so excited to finally have my prayer wall finished. After seeing the movie, The War Room, (and to be honest, looking at Pinterest) having a prayer wall is something I have dreamed about putting in my house! :) We finally finished it yesterday. I envision the kids putting their own prayer requests on the wall and using it as a family for both family prayer time and personal prayer times. I want this to help us all to see how God is answering prayers in our lives, both big and small. I'm also hoping this will help my children to be open about their own prayer requests for themselves and their friends and to remember to turn to God in their joy, pain, frustration and dreams.

Prayer Wall
(still waiting for more cute pushpins and paper) 

Do Not Worry

My wonderful husband and I are getting ready to go on vacation! We are so excited, but one of our daughters is really anxious about it. Unfortunately, she doesn't get this anxiety/fear/worry/whatever you want to call it from a stranger. I emailed her this bible verse image the other day, and she has fully embraced it. We are writing it on a post it and sticking it by her bed, we are sticking it in her locker, and she wants to memorize it. I also told her that this was one of the verses I memorized before I was pregnant with the girls. I was so worried that I would not get pregnant and would not get to be a mom. I repeated this verse daily, as well as Matthew 6:25-34, as a reminder to myself that God has everything under control. I still remind myself that on a regular basis, but some days are a struggle. Some days, it seems easier to worry than pray. Some days, it's easy to let my mind get out of control and think "what if...", but God tells me not to worry and instead to pray. Because God tells me this, I can in turn help my daughter with this and model to her what that looks like in my own life.

Matthew 6:25-34

Do Not Worry 25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your lifee ? 28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Feeling Abandoned

I'm not sure why, but I've always had a fear of being alone - being by myself, being left, and being unwanted. I don't remember having a reason for this fear, but that's probably my biggest fear still as an adult. After we lost the babies, people didn't know how to react. It's so hard for people to know what to say and do after a death of anyone. With a miscarriage, people especially don't know how to react. The grief process is different for everyone who has gone through a miscarriage. Some people grieve and seem to move on more quickly. Some people grieve the loss of their baby publicly and for a very long time. Some people think of the miscarriage as an easier way to lose a baby that probably wasn't healthy. Some people grieve more silently, but always carry the loss with them. No matter what, it's a physical loss and an emotional one.
After my miscarriage, I felt alone. Friends were there for emotional and physical support in the beginning, but I tried to bounce back. I grieved the loss of my babies, somewhat publicly to the people who knew, but always trying to hide the real hurt. Always saying, "I'm okay" and "They're with Jesus and I'll get to see them someday." While I still believe that, I wasn't okay. Saying I was okay did not help me move on, and did not help me feel less abandoned. People move on with life, and they can't help when they don't know.
Yesterday, our Pastor spoke about Exodus 17:12. 12But Moses' hands were heavy.Then they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other. Thus his hands were steady until the sun set.  I was angry. I still felt abandoned and hurt and like I had been left alone. I felt like I have been asked to be Aaron and Hur, but had been left alone and didn't have my own Aaron and Hur. I read in a devotional this morning, that people want to be there to help--IF THEY KNOW. Ouch. People didn't know, because I didn't reach out. I realized that I DO have Aarons and Hurs in my life, and I can't take them for granted. It's way too easy to take the people that are there for you for granted and to focus on the ones who aren't. My sweet husband wisely told me (during my meltdown), "That's the devil trying to get you down. It's the devil who wants you to be angry." The devil wants me to focus on my defeat, my anger, and my pain, but God wants to help me to focus on the good and help me to be victorious in HIS name!